Marriage will throw you a thousand curve balls. But it isn’t the
curve balls that matter—it’s what you do with those curve balls. And what you
do stems from how you think.
January is the month when most divorces are
filed. But what separates the couples who choose to stay married from those who
choose to divorce?
You might think couples who stay together
are simply luckier than others. They fight less, or they have more in common,
or they’re happier. But that isn’t it. Every marriage is filled with conflict.
Your conflicts won’t be my conflicts, but yours are no better and no worse than
mine.
What separates those who choose to stay
married from those who don’t is attitude. Your attitude is the single most
important determiner of your success in life, be it a job or a relationship.
Life will throw you a thousand curve balls. So will marriage. But it isn’t the
curve balls that matter—it’s what you do with those curve balls. And what you do
stems from how you think.
For example, rather than focusing on what
you don’t like about your spouse, focus on what you do like. Rather than think
about what’s missing in your marriage, focus on what’s there. Hone in on what
is rather than on what ifs. Also, never compare your marriage to someone
else’s—that’s a recipe for disaster. Your neighbor’s marriage is just as flawed
as yours. You just can’t see this from where you’re sitting.
So before you contact a divorce lawyer, try
changing the way you think about marriage. Below are three hugely helpful and
positive narratives to help you in your journey:
Marriage Isn’t Designed to Make
You Happy
Too many people think of happiness as
something over which they have no control, but that isn’t true. Ironically,
it’s people’s definition of and expectations for happiness that undermine their
own.
The best shot anyone has of being happy—in
any domain, but especially in marriage—is to have no expectations. Not
high, low, or medium expectations. None. Rather, go with what you get, or with
what you’ve already chosen, and create a happy life from that. “The
psychological immune system works best when we are totally stuck, when we are
trapped,” writes Dan Gilbert, author of “Stumbling On Happiness.”
That may sound counterintuitive, but it
follows the same logic as that put forth by Martha Washington: “The greater
part of our misery or circumstances depends on our dispositions and not on our
circumstances.” It’s what Abraham Lincoln noted: “People are about as happy as
they make up their minds to be.”
Mentally Remove the Option to
Divorce
Couples who choose to stay together share a
committed to marriage as an institution. This value is forefront in their
minds. They accept that problems are inevitable, and that being unhappy at
times is inevitable. That is a feeling, not a permanent state. Thus, it is
fleeting.
“Happy couples have stresses in their
marriage; they have disagreements; they have pet peeves about each other; they
get angry and depressed; they disappoint each other. They start with the same
raw ingredients the rest of us have,” writes relationship expert Susan Page.
“But they don’t let these potential roadblocks to happiness dominate their
whole relationship. They are always aware of the bigger picture: their desire to
be happy, their belief they can be happy, and their unswerving
commitment to each other.”
Indeed, the way a couple handles conflict when
they assume they’ll be together “‘til death do us part” is very different from
the way a couple approaches conflict when they assume they can always leave.
Technically, divorce is an option. The trick is to pretend it isn’t.
“The very option of being allowed to change
our minds seems to increase the chances we will change our minds. When
we can change our minds about decisions, we are less satisfied with them,”
writes Barry Schwartz in “The Paradox of Choice.”
Avoid the Green Grass Syndrome
All couples struggle with wanting more than
they have. Something that separates those who choose to stay married from those
who don’t is the former know they can never get everything they want all
wrapped up in one person. No matter who we end up with, there will always be
something missing. Always.
“Research has shown that every happy,
successful couple has approximately ten areas of ‘incompatibility’ or
disagreement that they will never resolve.… If we switch partners, we’ll just
get ten new areas of disagreement,” writes Diane Sollee of SmartMarriages.com.
In other words, couples who choose to stay
together know they’re going to be dissatisfied to some degree, no matter
whom they marry. As a result, they avoid the Green Grass Syndrome, or the
propensity to believe there’s someone better “out there” for them.
Constantly asking yourself whether your
spouse is right for you, or whether you’d be better off with someone else, is
disruptive to your marriage. It’s like trying to have a conversation with
another adult when a toddler is in the room. The distraction undermines the
goal.
Suzanne
Venker is an author and cultural critic who writes about relationships,
marriage and work-family issues. She has been married to her husband for 18
years, and they have two children. Her fifth book, "The Alpha Female’s Guide to Men & Marriage: How Love
Works," will be published in February 2017. Her website is www.suzannevenker.com.