Despite the gains women have made economically,
most don’t want to be providers and protectors. And men don’t want to be
dependent on their wives.
Attitudes
may have changed since the days husbands brought home the bacon and wives
stayed home with the kids. But according to new research,
deviating from conventional gender roles makes both men and women miserable.
Despite the gains women have made economically, most don’t want to be providers
and protectors. And men don’t want to be dependent on their wives.
Researchers
Karen Kramer and Sunjin Pak at the University of Illinois examined data on
nearly 1,500 men and 1,800 women between the ages of 52 and 60 and found
that the more women’s paychecks increased, the more women reported symptoms of
depression. But the opposite effect was found in men: their psychological
well-being was highest when they were the primary wage-earners.
“The results supported the overarching hypothesis: well-being was
lower for mothers and fathers who violated gendered expectations about the
division of paid labor, and higher for parents who conformed to these
expectations,” said Kramer.
This was true even for couples who took a more egalitarian view of
gender roles. Modern views notwithstanding, men’s health took a hit when their
earnings shrank, suggesting the traditional role of primary earner is still
very important to men.
Pretending Sex
Interchangeability Makes People Unhappy
The cultural answer to such findings is always the same: societal
expectations regarding gender roles have been too slow to evolve. If it were
considered acceptable for men to take care of the kids while women brought home
the paycheck, there would be no issue. Thus, no depression.
Americans
are forever being told that gender equality— defined today not as equal
opportunity for women but as male and female interchangeability—is the road
to a happy, fulfilled life. But study after study after study after study proves
otherwise.
“Feminist
ideals, not domestic duties, seem to be what make wives morose,” concedes Meghan O’Rourke at Slate.
“Progressive married women—who should be enjoying some or all of the fruits
that [Betty] Freidan lobbied for—are less happy, it would appear, than women
who live as if Friedan never existed.”
So why is that? Why do women feel depressed as breadwinners while
men in the same role feel empowered? Why do women not suffer mentally by
leaving their jobs to become at-home mothers while men who take on that same
role do? The answer isn’t rocket science. But nor is it politically correct.
Hence it goes unsaid.
Here’s the Truth We’re
Afraid to Say
Men and
women are not the same; thus, they are not interchangeable. A man’s identity,
or self-worth, is inextricably linked to his job—a woman’s is linked to her
children. That this does not hold true for every woman and every man doesn’t
change the fact that what drives most women
is different from what drives most men.
They may both be capable of being breadwinners and full-time parents, but that
doesn’t mean they want to perform these tasks with equal fervor. And it doesn’t
mean they’ll be happy if they do.
Childbirth
changes everything. It becomes a woman’s unparalleled accomplishment. Her first
instinct is to provide for that child physically and emotionally. A man’s first
instinct is to protect and to provide for that child. That’s his unparalleled
accomplishment. Thus, it is natural for a woman to want to depend on her man to
take care of financial matters. It is not natural for a man to depend on a
woman in this way.
Social expectations, in other words, are not the culprit. Human
nature is the culprit.
That’s not
to say no married couple can successfully navigate a role reversal. It
is only to say that it’s rare. Even today, approximately 30 percent of married
women with children choose not to be employed, and in families where both
parents are employed, “70% consist of fathers who earn
more than mothers.”
This
approach to marriage swims with the tide, rather than against it. That is why
couples who embrace tradition tend to be happier. They even have better sex!
Anytime we do something that’s natural, we’re going to have an easier time of
time of it. Conversely, when we try to hold back the mountain, or fit a square
peg into a round hole, we’re going to be miserable.
The larger question is this: Now that women are positioning
themselves to become the dominant sex, how can they ever hope to be happy?
Suzanne
Venker is an author and cultural critic who writes about relationships, marriage
and work-family issues. She has been married to her husband for 18 years, and
they have two children. Her fifth book, "The Alpha Female’s Guide to Men
& Marriage: How Love Works," will be published in February
2017. Her website is www.suzannevenker.com.