Last year was a difficult year for many married couples. This year is almost certainly going to be even more difficult for everyone, as economic and social pressures grow across the West, and indeed, around the world. So, it’s going to be even more important that married couples recognize that they are a team, and that the best way to survive and even thrive under the pressure as a team is to trust and rely upon each other.
And understanding how your behavioral patterns affect your ability to function as part of a team can mean the difference between a marriage that thrives and one that slowly disintegrates into mutual resentment or crumbles as the pressure outside becomes too much for one party or the other to bear.
Alpha Communication
Alphas are natural leaders with no shortage of options available to them, which is precisely what makes marriage difficult for them. They’re accustomed to command, to having their decisions followed, to setting the direction and expecting others to fall in line. But marriage isn’t a pure social hierarchy where your wife is a loyal subordinate who only takes orders, she is a partner with her own demesne and primary responsibilities within the marriage.
The Alpha who wants to build a team mentality must learn to distinguish between providing leadership in the relationship dominating it. Lead the family, yes. Provide vision and direction, absolutely. But recognize that your wife possesses knowledge, instincts, and capabilities that you don’t. The same sense of protection and loyalty you feel toward those men who follow you in other contexts, you should extend to the woman who has committed her life to yours. Hear her out, even if her ideas are not entirely relevant to the matter at hand. Listen to her input. Make her feel like an essential part of the operation, because she absolutely is.
And above all, let her feel that she can trust you. This isn’t the time to demonstrate all of your potential options, believe me, she’s aware of it......
.....Bravo Advantage
Bravos actually have a natural advantage here. Their natural inclination toward service and loyalty translates remarkably well into marriage when properly directed, so long as the Bravo doesn’t try to turn his wife into a replacement Alpha.
The key for the Bravo is ensuring his wife feels like his primary loyalty. She needs to know that while he may serve others in professional contexts, she is his first concern, his most important mission. Applying the Bravo motto to your marriage: “I have served. I will be of service” creates a foundation of strong mutual commitment.
Delta Challenge
The same reliability, competence, and quiet dedication that makes Deltas invaluable in every other context makes them potentially excellent husbands. The Delta’s challenge is avoiding the pedestal trap.
Stop treating your wife like some flawless angelic creature you don’t deserve and start treating her like a teammate. Show up. Do your part. Maintain your responsibilities without complaint. State your needs directly. Tell her what you need from her. Avoid the passive-aggressive approach to trying to get her to change without risking confrontation. The same straightforward competence you bring to your work should characterize your approach to marriage. Remember, she’s looking to you the way that you look to the Alphas. This will require stepping up, and it will be uncomfortable, but you’ll find it’s the best path to the respect from her you crave.
Gamma Obstacle
The Gamma faces the a fundamental obstacle in building a team mentality in marriage because his defining characteristic—habitual dishonesty with himself and others—is fundamentally incompatible with genuine partnership. You cannot function as a team with someone you’re constantly deceiving, and anyhow, you’re definitely not deceiving your wife. Women have Gamma radar like you would not believe, and since she married you, she’s obviously okay with your idiosyncracies.
The Gamma who genuinely wants to improve his relationship his wife must start with the most difficult step: stop lying. Stop lying to yourself about who you are, stop lying to her about what you want, stop spinning every story to make yourself look better. Accept responsibility when you fail. Admit when you don’t know something. Stop treating every disagreement as a personal attack on your identity that requires elaborate defensive maneuvers. Your wife is not your enemy, and marriage is not a debate to be won through rhetorical tricks.
And while you both may be comfortable with her being the boss, that doesn’t mean you can’t be less of a burden on her. It’s fine if she wears the pants in the family, there is no need to fix something that isn’t broken. But be an active and supportive member of the team, not a drag upon it.