Dave Barry puts it all in perspective. Some highlights:
- Nobody seems to know how, specifically, the Russians
affected the election, but everybody is pretty sure they did something,
especially CNN, which has not been so excited about a story since those
heady months in 2014 when it provided 24/7 video coverage of random
objects floating in the Pacific while panels of experts speculated on
whether those objects might or might not have anything to do with that
missing Malaysian airliner. You can tune in to CNN any time, day or night,
and you are virtually guaranteed to hear the word “Russians” within 10
seconds, even if it’s during a Depends commercial.
- NASA, in a major scientific discovery, announces
that a star system less than 40 light-years away contains seven Earth-size
planets, at least three of which appear to have a Starbucks.
- On the legislative front, the big story is Obamacare,
which the Republicans have been running against for seven straight years.
Their message has been: “Vote for us, and we WILL get rid of Obamacare!”
So now that they control the White House and both houses of Congress,
there can be no stopping them. It’s time to deliver! GET READY FOR A
REPUBLICAN-LEADERSHIP-STYLE BUTT-WHUPPIN’, OBAMACARE! When the smoke
clears, Obamacare is sitting at the bar, unscathed, sipping a whiskey and
flirting with the barmaid. Republican congressional leaders are strewn all
over the barroom floor, noses bleeding, underpants pulled over their
foreheads. But this setback does not deter them for long. They pick
themselves up, dust themselves off, tuck themselves back in and start
making plans for their next bold legislative masterstroke.
- In aviation news, United Airlines breaks new
customer-service ground when it decides that a 69-year-old passenger who
has already boarded his flight must be “re-accommodated” via a technique
similar to the one the Mexican army used to re-accommodate the Texans at
the Alamo, leaving him with a concussion, broken teeth and a broken nose.
At first United’s CEO defends the airline’s actions on the grounds that,
quote, “We have the collective IQ of a starfish.” But after a firestorm of
public outrage he apologizes and promises that in the future United will
employ a “more humane” re-accommodation policy based on “respect for our
customers and, when needed, tranquilizer darts.”
- In other political developments, Greg Gianforte, a
Republican running for Montana’s vacant congressional seat, gets national
headlines when he body-slams a reporter for the Guardian newspaper. He is
immediately hired as director of customer relations by United Airlines.
No, seriously, despite being charged with assault, Gianforte wins easily,
yet another indication that in much of the nation journalists enjoy the
same level of popularity as head lice.
- Republican congressional leaders determined to avenge
their humiliating defeat at the hands of Obamacare emerge after months of
closed-door meetings with a new, smarter repeal strategy. The GOP, led by
Senate Majority Leader Mitch “Mojo” McConnell, is cagey about the details,
but sources say the plan involves a “high cliff” and a “really heavy
safe,” which the Republicans plan to purchase from the Acme Corp.
- Meanwhile a major scandal engulfs the entertainment
world when the New York Times reveals that powerful movie producer Harvey
Weinstein, despite being a prominent supporter of all the correct causes,
basically spent the past several decades lumbering around in an open
bathrobe forcing himself on unreceptive women. This news comes as a big
shock to members of the Hollywood community, especially coming on the
heels of their recent discovery that the pope is Catholic.
There is considerably more in this vein. It is amusing.
