How many times in the past year have you heard of a marriage falling
apart, a family disintegrating, a future destroyed?
“Too
many, Heidi. Too many.”
Well,
that should be your answer because it’s the truth. And if it isn’t your answer
either you a) have no friends b) live in a bubble c) are a liar.
It’s
frightening, this war on family and marriage. How are we supposed to survive
when so many are going down in flames?
If
statistics are to be taken seriously, and let’s be honest, after last November
we are all a little cynical, less than half of us will end up, old and wrinkly,
holding hands with the same spouse who walked us down the aisle.
Remarriage
for women, as we age, becomes less and less likely. Should we get started
talking about the cost of child support? On both sides? What about how alimony
can financially cripple either party’s ability to provide for a second family.
It doesn’t happen or it takes too much of the paycheck.
Simply?
It makes sense to just stay married. Especially for us, ladies. Especially for
us.
That’s
you and me, darlin’. You and me. We’ve already invested our perky selves,
baby-making hips, and the “looks cute in a two-piece” years. We’ve given them
to the man we wake up to and the children we make dinner for and unless we are
careful, that investment might not pay off.
I
know I want to reap the rewards of that investment.
I’ve
earned those rewards. There is no way I want to jeopardize where I end up and
how I live because I didn’t have the courage or willingness to pursue my
marriage and family with integrity now. Before the hurricanes and menopausal
tornadoes.
See,
to be blunt, we don’t fare well in the re-marriage market as only 25% of women
who are divorced in their 30’s-40’s actually remarry. Men will generally marry
at a rate closer to 50% but, even then, they aren’t looking at our Match.Com
profiles. They tend to marry women far younger than themselves the second time
and, well, that rather gives a raspberry to both our aging marketability and
our chances at second time marital bliss.
Seriously.
25%. I don’t like those odds.
Have
you seen the dating market for women our age? Have you seen the dudes
interested in us? How many of those men would want a ready-made family and a
whole set of busted up luggage? How many of those men would you want around
your 14-year-old daughter or raising your little boys?
Hollywood
says women can do anything and have anything no matter what they look like or
what mess they’ve made of their lives. But Hollywood also uses CGI to make dead
people talk so we know they’re a bunch of liars anyway.
When
it all boils down and we are left with the goop in the bottom of the pain, it
seems wiser to just hang on to the 41% chance that I get to be one of the women
who can hold on to her husband and intact family for the long haul. At least as
much as it is in my power to do so.
Don’t
feel like you have power? Oh, I disagree. Strongly. We have so much power. We
have no idea how much power we have.
Proverbs 14:1
The wise woman builds her
house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hands.
Not
someone else. Our parents. Poor upbringing. Unfortunate financial woes. Not
our husbands.
Us.
XX chromosome. PMS and feel good cries. Just the whole deal of womanhood. Us.
We
build up or tear down our own houses.
These
aren’t bungalows and cottages that I’m talking about. We don’t use
hammers and nails or crowbars and chainsaws here but, I’m afraid we do a lot of
housework. And for many of us? Given the destruction of marriages?
We
are doing it all wrong.
I’m
not currently writing to the ladies who build up. Not yet. This is to the
sisters who bulldoze their own security and future. Shingle by shingle. Tear by
manipulating tear. Guilt trips by angry blaming.
Every
day, systematically destroying their homes, one snark, one bitterness, one
resentment at a time the foundation crumbles until there is nothing left to
preserve. Nothing left to fight for or hold on to.
I
don’t have to make a list, we are familiar with the usual suspects. Anger,
resentment, bitterness, defensiveness, and arrogance. No one needs to be convinced
those elements are at the heart of poor choices. Toxic to our warmth and
hospitality.
But
we justify. We excuse our failures. When we are at church thinly
masking our dishonor of our spouse with a carefully worded prayer request or
trying to explain our behavior to our friends… Maybe we spend too much time
searching for a friendly ear when we believe we’ve been horribly “wronged”.
But
there really is no limit to the depths of ugliness in the human heart. Have you
thought about how disrespect and comparison, victimhood, and slander can pull
down your house?
What
about isolation and exclusion?
See,
we can’t fix those with fortune cookies or coffee dates with the girls. Those
are real issues with real life consequences.
We
have grown up women who need to stop blaming everyone else for their broken
houses.
It’s
time to quit pretending our status quo is all there can ever be.
Get
your gloves on, girlfriend. It’s time to work on the house.
