......Teach them to think about others
About a year ago, I was on a flight, seated behind a family of four – two parents and two little girls. Mid-air, one of the girls let out a protracted scream.
Her father tried to calm her down. He asked her what was wrong: why was she angry towards her younger sister? He told the younger one not to pinch or whatever she had done. He encouraged them to reconcile.
He never once mentioned the other passengers. He didn't tell either of those girls that when they cried out, they might be disturbing 90 other people.
Our kids don't know that they're connected to others – because we don't tell them. We must, and we must start now.
Let grandparents play their vital role
One of the worst consequences of our hyper-focus on present feelings and the professionalisation of our child-rearing is that we devalue everything grandparents have to offer. We saw them as backward, racist and crude. We corrected their interactions with our children or barred them entirely.
Grandfathers may say all the wrong things, show the wrong films and teach kids inappropriate jokes. They might let them work with dangerous tools. Grandmothers may make all the wrong foods ('You know Aiden doesn't do well with dairy!') and correct the children's poor table manners in a way that strikes us as excessive.
But children survive all of that, and they come out tougher, knowing they can handle adults who didn't follow their parents' script. They gain something invaluable: connection. 'The secret to life is good and enduring intimate relationships and friendships,' says Yale psychiatry professor Charles Barber. In other words, people you love and who love you back over a lifetime.
I am no perfect parent. But after researching for my book, I made a few adjustments to my own parenting style. For one, I told my kids I would no longer be reading the school's daily homework reminder emails. Anything related to schoolwork was their responsibility. If they missed a deadline, they would learn from the consequence.................
