Yet another gets tossed over the transom (damn those flying fish!) by Ishmael....
The war isn’t over. Despite the courts granting injunctions against mandates, clown world companies still demand vaccines. Despite the MORONIC variant infecting thrice jabbed sickcare workers in Israel, the CDC redefined “safe and effective” to insist kids need myocarditis because someone in California coofed.
Enjoy the respite, enjoy the win, and let’s reflect on the last two years.
Some things don’t change. People still celebrate holidays. Holidays are full of traditions, some of which span generations. It’s a joyful time of year with food and fellowship. And maybe even a totally worth it hangover.
Sadly, clown world disrupted past traditions. Humans are nothing if not resourceful and adapted. This year’s Thanksgiving and Christmas might look very different than 2019, but they’re still here.
Thanksgiving is traditionally a day for giving thanks and cheating on diets. Thanksgiving through New Year’s Eve is Carb Season. New Year’s Day marks the end of it. Say goodbye to the old year and start losing all the holiday weight. It’s tradition!
Life is a cluster**** right now. But one way to measure time and have something to look forward to is through traditions. Coping with clown world helped usher in some new ones. Let's look at some of them:
The substance relay
This dates back to the early lockdown days. Overnight many folks were told they now worked from home. At first it was a welcome change, no more sitting in traffic on the way to the office. People had more time with their families and got stuff done around the house.
At the same time, the news shouted dire warnings about Corona chan, “non essential” businesses were closed, and staring at the same four walls all day long got boring and exhausting. The solution? Drink caffeine. With enough coffee, even Groundhog Day was almost exciting again.
After drinking coffee all day, it was hard to sleep. At some point caffeine handed the baton to alcohol, possibly as a splash of whiskey in the day’s last coffee. Booze thirty came as soon as someone could reach the liquor cabinet. Five minutes after work the drinking could commence. Ahh, time to unwind from another Groundhog Day of Zoom hell!
Fast forward to now. Tard shot mandates loomed and still do for many. People are so burned out they have to caffeinate enough to give a **** about their vaxhole job and not commit crimes against their Karen co-workers. Booze takes the edge off after a day of working and dreading the future.
What’s the alternative, drugs? Sure, you can trust your doctor when he says SSRIs and benzos are completely safe and effective. You gonna smoke weed or delta 8 instead? That **** causes heart attacks!
Weight gain challenge
It’s not just for Carb Season anymore, but an ongoing tradition at this point. Over the first eighteen months or so of clown world, people gained an average of 30 lbs. Those are rookie numbers, let’s pump them up right along with waistlines! Remember, if everyone’s fat, no one is. Weight gain is a safe and effective coping mechanism. It’s also a wonderful opportunity to try new foods, like whatever the blue double stuffed Oreos are. Or Starbuck’s latest corn syrup and rancid vegetable oil drink. There’s no coffee in it, which is good because coffee causes heart attacks and you shouldn't drink so much of it.
Fear porn marathons
It’s important to mind your mental health during these trying times. Afterall, physical and mental health are so intertwined it’s hard to separate them. It’s also important to stay informed on world events. Grab your green cookies, Doritos, and corn syrup on the way to the fear porn dispenser. Watch the morning news, read news throughout the day, and lay in bed reading yet more news on your phone. Life isn’t stressful and uncertain enough right now, you need The Experts to tell you what’s really important like Moronic, rising sea levels, or a mudslide in a country you’ve never heard of. Staring at screens is a safe and effective way to learn that if only everyone stayed inside forever, we’d all be back to normal.
The best thing about this one is it dovetails so conveniently with the other new traditions. Couches are comfy. One huge advantage of working from home is drinking coffee while typing from the couch. At quitting time, shut the laptop, turn on the TV, and pour a couple fingers of booze. You only have to leave the couch to use the toilet and open the fridge and liquor cabinet. Couches even double as beds! For a bonus challenge, see how few steps you can take in a day. Can you go below 100? Forget about going for a walk, The Experts say the outdoors with sunshine and fresh air isn’t safe!
It’s been two years at this point, why not wait longer? It doesn’t matter the aspect, put your entire life on hold until things are back to normal. It’s going to happen. Keep waiting two more weeks. Meanwhile as time slips away, concentrate on all the things you’ve lost instead of directing energy into a new hobby, new friends, or self improvement.
That’s not funny!
Do what The Experts say and things will go back to normal faster. That and taking your second booster, of course. Do not laugh at The Experts under any circumstances, they’re the only ones keeping us from dying of the coof! Don’t mock their contradictions and moving goal posts. Laughter kills.
All these new traditions have three things in common: Taken too far, they are harmful. Fear porn drains energy into pointless worries instead of actions people can control. It distracts from situations folks can prepare for. There’s a line where substances stop taking the edge off and become a self destructive lifestyle. Not moving and gaining weight are a really nasty way to flush health down the toilet. The older a person is, the faster it happens and the harder it is to reverse it. Focusing on what is lost and pining for the past means missing the present and wasting the future. And God help you if you lose your sense of humor. Welcome to a neverending Hell.
At their extremes, these traditions lead to despair and death.
The second aspect they all have in common is they’re easy to fall into. It is easy to pick up bad habits because they’re a lot more fun than good ones.
The third is none of these new traditions will help us win a war. They are a reaction to the Karens logistics. No, this is not handing you an excuse to suck. It means you fight Karens by breaking these new traditions.
Which brings us to why the new traditions intersect with the holiday season. The holidays are “special”. Christmas and Thanksgiving have a big impact on us. People have lifelong memories of them from childhood. Thanksgiving marks the beginning of the end of the current year. Many people associate a new year with a new beginning.
Thanksgiving is a countdown to change. At zero, New Year’s Day, things will change. You will change.
Next year will be different. Next year will be my year. Next year…But life doesn’t arrive on a neat and predictable schedule.
One anonymous day in March 2020, clown world hit me upside the head with lockdowns. It was slowly spiraling nearer for a couple of months, but one non-special day life changed. It has not changed back.
Instead of waiting for a day in the future where things will change, chose today as the day things SHALL change. Start a new tradition. Make it one that SHALL help us win the war.